Jinx and Lisa are back from vacation. 

Jinx and Lisa are on vacation

There was just one
all alone and standing out like a sore thumb
i couln't miss it and it made me laugh
like sometimes things are there for a reason
or they are there and we are not paying
attention.....hell this can be a metaphor for my life.

But it was this lone little daisy that caught my attention today.
Jinx and I were in the forest and he was being his own witty self, and me
slowly making way up the trail, but there it was, and I laughed and I called
the dog back to me. I wanted him to see it too. I think is pretty aware of more
than I give him credit for. Although, he might need some glasses too.

He was making his way through the forest up above the logging road I was on, he was
running and jumping over logs and hopping through the brush, perhaps there is less
a chance of getting hung up that way, then he comes barreling down the bank and takes
a huge leap, biff!!!! he missed the road by about a foot and face planted on the edge of the ditch.
I laughed.
But then i though best to look him over, he is less than a year in recovery from a broken leg,
yeah, I am one mean mom!! just kidding, I would never lay a hand on him, well in that way.
he was fine, maybe his ego was dinted a little, he didn't do any more bank jumps, but we had a great time and it was balmy. Then i stopped for a coffee, I was bragging earlier that I only was going to drink one, but alas I had two and I ordered hot cocoa to boot, I drank the chocolate first and then the coffee, yum.
I also saw Biniam, the man from Eritaria (must check the spelling, they separated from Ethiopia) that I so uneloquently spoke of before......see the things I learn in the coffee shop. My geography knowledge is improving, and he is a geography grad student........why do most of the people I know all belong in one department?
I do love the girls at the coffee shop, they are a blast. one girl thinks because i use to teach scuba with a boy from a local celtic band that I must know something about him so she is always grilling me. he is cute, she is cute, they both are tall, they will have tall cute children, with red hair and they will wear kilts (she brings the red hair and he the kilt......i am not sure he is celtic, and I don't think he speaks gaelic, oh well).
okay, i am getting cheesy, so i must go to bed and read, my book is okay, i like the parts about New Orleans, I got the book when i lived there but so far, it is just okay. a friend told me to try other books by the same author or rather said one would be worth my time, I said that i tend to start fiction and I can't finish.............i live factual prose. Think "Colter" by Rick Bass, or Edward Abby's "Desert Solitare", although I do have a love for anything that Wallace Stegner wrote, "Where the blue bird sings to the lemonade springs", ah that is beautiful. Anyone ever read anything by Claire Davis? okay, it is fiction but it is good fiction, oh, so is Christopher Moore, kind of Chuck Palahnuik but not so cynical, or Kathrine Dunn but not so twisted.

I have to stop somewhere.......

I didn't make it to the gym, a phone call interupted the process (randy!!!). It is fine, always nice to hear from friends.....especially those that are great sushi eating buddies.

So, no gym, what to do?
no worries, i watched some online clips from MSN on body language and flirting....the flirting video was by far my favorite. I might say that flirting is a favorite passtime, although not so in Corvallis. It just doesn't seem like the environment for it or maybe I have not mastered what it takes here. okay, that is probably bullshit, i did an okay job flirting with the waiter last weekend, he even brought me the olive oil from the back, a very yummy extra virgin, nice and dark green. okay, so you might be thinking, who flirts over olive oil? Boys, i bet Rachael Ray would.....if you don't know about her, google her name.

i just love flirting, much like inversions in yoga, I think flirting restores energy to our bodies. Like I have said before, if you are always giving to others and never to yourself you deplete this energy store and when the energy store is gone, you have nothing to give to anyone, including yourself, which might give way to the idea "if you're not getting it at home"............the energy will eventually need replenished, so "you're gonna go lookin". Now think, what if we had a way to keep this energy cycling within ourselves. Flirting can be harmless, it should be harmless, the should be no hurt that comes from something so wonderful. This is one thing I do love and miss about the south, flirting energy is everywhere, it is just matter of whether you take part in it or not. We all like to think that we are attractive but it is so nice to hear it from someone, this replenishes the energy as well. so, instead of saving energy for yourself by not sharing with those around you, share and share alike. put yourself out there a little, flirt. watch that video. learn to give and receive compliments, don't use four letter words "nice, fine, cute, etc" replace them with something a little more attractive, "beautiful, wonderful, adorable (might sound weird from a man, unless you're adam sandler".....it tells men to be less aggressive and more subtle and tells women to pump it up a notch.......it makes me want to go flirting, like others go drinking or some go dancing, i just want to flirt, but I don't want to bring anyone home. like the act itself is enough and this should be true if it is to replenish the energies. Perhaps I have been reading too much on Taoist philosophies......is it the second law of thermodynamics that energy can neither be created or destroyed or is it matter? and i am kind of thinking it may not be derived from the laws of thermodynamics at all, maybe it is the law of conservation of energy?
oh, dear, on is seriously confused now.
back to the Taoist ideas, if I understand some of them correctly, we humans are full of energy, the yin/yang idea and through touch we can cycle this energy. now I really do believe in touch, who doesn't like to be touched? of course i prefer familiar and loving touch to creepy gropping touch, which in my book deserves a swift kick to the shin. but think about massage, it is so much more than kneading away muscle aches, what about cuddling to fall asleep, it feels so good (type cuddling into google, there are some interesting research project in Sweden).

So, if energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but I at least believe it can be funneled into some dark hole of a person where it remains untapped and unshared, it can at least be shared or passed from person to person.

1) do you believe that we can tap into energy in our bodies that might be some of the dark hole stored energy, I think we are all capable of it. But I also think that others can reach this energy as well, as for getting into it yourself, I like to think about things like "letting your body smile to itself" or giving yourself a tummy rub or just touching yourself in a nonsexual way, i think the taoists would argue that sex to climax without a partner can deplete the energy........but wait, if energy can neither be depleted nor destroyed........

please some feed back would be good and much appreciated

my day seeks more experience....i am going to the gym so i have an excuse to listen to really loud cajun music (blasting in my ears as i make miles on the treadmile)

Some shit really does happen everyday....sure, I am not doing a lot these days but most of the stuff is just junk running around in my head. So, here, more junk I was thinking about today.

91.9fm......NPR? do we have two stations of public radio in Corvallis? because I know 103.1 is NPR/OPB but the point is that I heard Greg Brown and we must discuss this a little. The song he was singing/strumming/humming was "If you don't get it at home"

So, Greg Brown is not uber famous or gracing any Vanity Fair say like Jude Law (can one say androgeny) but there is some very maleness and sweetness and I will admit to something very sexy about him, I guess it could be that he is a man. He does not write these overly complicated lyrics but he is an artist for what he does write. He is a folk artist, how can you not love folk? think Joni Mitchell. I am listening to Melissa Etheridges' "Brave and Crazy".....I like her old music, especially the brave and crazy album. she had to work harder at because nobody knew she was gay, I just think the lyrics and the music pack more emotion than the new stuff, but this is just my opinion and the old stuff is what I grew up on, that and Smashing Pumpkins and Lemonheads and Bonnie Raitt and Janis Joplin and some Hole and Michelle Shocked and Right Said Fred, what the hell were they trying to do to our generation? only a few of these do I currently listen to.....but I know where to the tapes *gag* was that ever a bad way to store music.

So, Greg Brown and his song today.
"If you don't get it at home"
It is just that I know this is so true, look how many pages of cyber space are dedicated to people meeting each other, we live in a lonely society. We make it this way. He says "the need for love won't leave you alone".........it is true, we all need love. Sure, we can love a pet or ourselves, some of us a little more involved in that than is probably healthy. But some people seek out spiritual enlightenment because of some void in the soul, some seek the quickest lay and others make a painstaking search, from Russia to the Internet even for this love. What does it take for us to be open to this kind of love? What if we are open and don't seem to be finding it? what if think we are open, but we're not really?

There is a lot of stress and stigma around love, around people of opposite sex spending time together. We need this, we are different. Through biological sex and society's assignment of gender. We are different. Sometimes, we need to know that we are meerly attractive to the opposite sex and sometimes we need to feel an intimate connection. Why is it when I was 21 sex was always on my mind and now, I think more about intimacy, being with someone that wants to be with me and sharing a special connection. I am not asking for much, or at least it doesn't seem like much to me. I know people that want everything from marriage and kids and the house and the cars to people that just want to get laid every once in a while. They vary in age, sex and race. What comes first, are most people looking to find the person they want to be with or are they looking for that spontaneous sexual encounter. Once the commitment is there, are people still looking? "if you're not getting it at home"................

Why have we become so bad at communication?
Have we always been this bad?
How do we encourage more socializing? and not just for the sake of people getting laid, but because I believe that people that lack major intimate relationships that include communication become socially retarded, just can't be involved in a social setting without getting overly nervous or just in general screw up in the game which is civilization. Socializing is a skill that needs to be practiced, but we have become a society that is so driven for success, we forget the other parts of our life. It is more than the amount of letters that follow our names or how much money we make, what happens when women find that they are too old to conceive, they have this sense of loss, like there is a failure along the way, men are also subject to this loss, your chromosomes are not getting any longer. In fact they shorten with age, I am not sure how short they are when you are thirty but don't be thinking that just because you can take the Viagra that you are going to be making some big strong chromosomes, wrong. Our bodies are a finiate resource, they start the dying processes when we finish puberty.

Where is all this going? I will have to work on it but I do want feed back if you want to give.

Have you found love?
Are you married?
if not, will you ever marry?
if you are divorced, do you think there is love out there?
is it about love or sex?
sex or intimacy?
can there be one without the other?
do you think the internet is a good place to look
for love or sex?
what has happened in society so that
it seems so difficult now to find what we are looking for?
what are we looking for?
anything else to add to this list?

oh,
if not getting it at home, have you gone looking?
post away, I think you can post without being a blogger,
if not email me and we can fix it.

I really need more ways to spend the time of my days.
I need a tv or perhaps just to rent dvds to watch on my computer.

I spend less time these days visiting which is good. Does this make me antisocial?

That I would prefer to be doing my own thing and not really stop for chitchat. I have been getting calls from people that I knew long ago, I ignore them and then check the messages later. There really is no need to call them back. It is a life long gone. Besides, I am having an antisocial streak. Is it possible that if friends are depressed some of the depression might be contagious? I think it is possible, it takes a lot of work to stay optimistic or rather from sliding down that slippery slope.

Perhaps my lack of socializing is that opportunities are really limited and most people are away for break. I use to be very good at wasting time, now I have tons of it and not sure what to do.
Well, the gym hours are shortened but not as short as I thought and so perhaps that is something I should consider.

These posts never go as I thought they would.....I plan all day on writing something grand but I feel like I sensor myself so much and by the time I get around to it is just lame.

Weird things I have seen lately:

Man in grocery store with handlebar mustach (yeah that is pretty unique these days) but then he had little tiny bells attached to it......what is with this? like a girl with nipple rings poking out of her shirt and bells attached....that sing, Jingle Bells, okay, moving on

came across an erotic blog today....some nice pictures, Erotica, remember it is different from porn, women have the power, porn is about humiliation of women and the power of men over them, not so nice. Although, one has to be glad that some of these women seem to have survived some insane situations and escaped and have come out seemingly powerful, but they have been places in the soul nobody should ever have to go.

this was the other day, but I was walking my dog to the "new" trail that is being built down the way from my apartment, it has a parking spot and goes back into the woods. We sometimes go into the woods but we have other places we prefer, but before we even got on a trail, out in the open in the parking lot was a rubber package.........where the hell? who the hell? there is a trash right there!!!! this is the second time I have seen a rubber in the wild. Why? Sure, everyone likes a little outdoor but really, not cool to leave that kind of think behind. I mean, I clean up after my dog everyday, you would think that if someone is paying to get a little they could at least clean up after themselves, once a month.

This is bordering on me needing a page that nobody knows about where I can discuss sex topics, it doesn't feel right here.

Speaking of which.....Tom Wolfe just won an award for best sex in his new book....what the hell is up with "slither, slither, slither"

What a dog. 

What a good dog. We are really working together on trying to make Jinx a good dog and me a good owner. He now will get in the bath by himself and on my computer chair...even long enough to get a photo. When I have a new camera I will be able to get bathtime photos of him.

This is what break is looking like so far, but I am trying to find something that I will love to do.
I keep thinking about swimming but it just seems so cold for that. Which makes me think about the whole Beaver Freezer idea....jumping out of a swimming pool to run outside in mid March to get on a bike and ride 11 miles.....if I think the pool is going to be cold I must really reconsider, at least after a swim I can get in the sauna.

Sometimes I think I am content to live my life alone. Not lonely, but alone.
My space remaining my space and my choice about holidays all my own.
I dream of not going home for this holiday. I love my family but family is family and
I would rather not see them at these highly stressful times. I love my sister but I
don't like being around for too long and this is sad because I do like seeing my
niece and nephew but they are getting older and it is not so exciting for them
to be around me. Plus I have my dog. My dog was more than welcomed at my sister's
house and that is good because when Jinx was a puppy her husband picked my dog up
and kicked him because he jumped up on my nephew. I would say this was a little over reactive,
being that jinx was only 4 months old. So, when Ben (the ex-boyfriend) left my life my dog was allowed over and everyone just tried to forget what had happened or at least was trying to make up for it. My brother in law....the kicker was always asking if maybe I wanted to leave Jinx there with them and my nephew would play with him. But see, back in the day of Ben my sister would make all these excuses not to have his dog around. But the point is that his dog was big, my dog is big. My sister had a big dog that nobody loved and she would just quiver when someone gave her attention. They were hard on training that dog. Now they have a weener dog, she wouldn't be such a pain if she didn't bark all the time and jump on all laps, but see this is okay because she is small. See, I am just pissed because when I talked with my sister she said that Jinx can not come there anymore. That would have been a fine answer but no she had to add that he potted in her house and that is just unexceptable. I did not see the potty and she had some friends over a month ago that had three weener dogs and one kept peeing all over the place. So, besides that she said Jinx gave the dog fleas. Hell, I should be concerned that he dog might have given my dog fleas....although I treat every 3-4 weeks with Frontline Plus....$17.00 every month to prevent fleas. But does she think I am stupid? She had four indoor/outdoor cats.....I just want to tell her that if she doesn't want my dog there that is fine, just say that but all this other shit just makes me not want to go there. Just because she is depressed and makes choices in her life that I don't, won't and never will she does not to act like this. So, I say forget, I am unavailable come Christmas....'cept I feel bad because that means that I would miss seeing my dad. My sister complains about the rest of our family and so me complaining about this makes it no better. I don't want to be like her. Shit, am I out of line here?

Oh, and she and her family are getting a new dog for Christmas.....I am probably never going to hear the end of this....being the fleas. Jinx does not have fleas. But she has a thousand places it could come from, first the cats and then second just from living on a farm and from all the other animals that come to her house and from the places she takes her dog.

I am thinking these are just excuses much like all the others to keep the dog out of her house. That is fine, I never really thought about having him out there until a time this last fall when they said it was fine. So, I say fuck it. I don't want to be a part of crap like that. It is this kind of stuff that makes me feel cemented to the idea of being alone. Hell, next year I am renting a cabin in the woods for a week over Christmas....just Jinx and I and a ton of snow. Perfect.

Is it unfamily like or just plain bitchy for me to complain about my family here?

good doggie 

This is a photo of me on the way out the door to the grocery. I am in love with this scarf....I love its pinkness. Plus it is warmer with it than it would be without. I guess I just really think there is something sexy about scarves. Maybe it is a womans neck or the fact that they can be so personal, like a nice tie tack or a baseball cap for men, scarves are sexy. What else is sexy on woman? there are so many things I imagine........but besides things, I think sexiness is something that is part of us. This opens a whole can of worms....comment away.
without the nerd glasses

my chai cup. painted in november 

Grocery Shopping
My Trip to the Co-op

First we must understand that a co-op is different from most groceries.
They encourage you to bring your own bags and containers for the foods are
about to purchase. Plan well!!! They do have bags that you can use, but you
will just get a few dirty looks in line. Also, it is a member thing. I was a member
before it became a inc. business and now the rate is higher and I can't rationalize
it if I am only here one year. We'll see.

I sort of had a list in mind on my way there. I had been thinking about a salad at
Bombs Away and changed my mind because I didn't feel like going some place where the assumption is that you will order a drink or two or three.

the receipt
hazelnuts $1.61
danish blue cheese $1.80
whole milk $1.85
orange mineral water $.89
ginger raspberry cereal $4.19
wild organic salad mix $ 2.29
red danjou pear $.81
total $13.49

the good thing is that I can buy in bulk.
but i do wonder if i were to plan better i wonder
if i would save money. either that or i just don't have
good shopping practices but i hope they are healthy.

I had a $17 coffee today.
Actually, I had a $2.00 hot chocolate and a $15 parking fine. Damn!
I love staff parking but they are being a little gregarious with the parking
lot monitoring. I was away from my car for 15 mintues as I ran into the
bean to get the yummy cup of chocolate. I am not sure it was worth $17
when I could have parked one block further and had no ticket. Alas, I
hope I learned a lesson.

The term ends for me tomorrow at 11:30. I have big plans.
I plan on doing my laundry and taking Jinx out. He deserves it. He has been
a trooper through this week. We survived our first finals week together.
He has been going stir crazy. Last night I came home to see that he had
done some rearranging. Today while I was napping he jumped on the bed
with the duck. I love the toy, it no longer makes noise. Right now he is rooting
around in the toy basket....I can hear his toys, he is making each of them make
their respective noise. What a pill. I want to shower and go to bed. I have not showered today,
however I did wash face and hair. Nobody is ever really close enough to me to care about
my hygiene. Oh, Oh, Oh, my other big plan for tomorrow is to have dinner with friends at Big River. I have not been there in a while so I am looking forward to it. Maybe I will have Ahi? Gosh, it has been so long I don't really know what I will have but I am looking forward to it. Although, the calamari pasta is yummy....again, if they have it. It would be nice to have a spinach salad with hazelnuts, blue cheese and pear with a vinegarette. I should eat these salads more often. See, but this means that I must go shopping.

But now I am off to the shower and then under the down comforter (how many baby birds had to lose their butt feathers for me to stay cozy at night?).

Neil Young "Harvest Moon"
This is my music selection
for the day, or for the next
couple of hours.

Why does grocery shopping
have to be a pain. Time
consuming in the least.
For the most part I am fine
eating the same thing day after
day. I don't need to mix it up
and maybe I prefer it not being
mixed up. Knowing what each day
holds for the most part.

Apparently in the rush of everything
I have completely blanked on groceries
and now I don't feel like going out shopping.
I have an exam. It is finals week.

What is the secret to the grocery
shopping? Do you just have to plan to
go once a week, like laundry?
I love having yummy fresh food
to eat but perhaps with the time crunch
I have been making too many excuses not
to go or not to eat here. Or I have been
so overly concerned with my running and
classes that if I didn't go shopping
it is easier to pass on consuming too much.
I guess I know it is time to go shopping when
the milk has gone bad and there is no more
butter in the fridge. At least with these two things
I would have been able to make cream of wheat.
But it is not the same without butter and milk,
although cream is preferred. The inside of the
fridge is a little pathetic. Old milk, one tomato,
four boxes of oregnage juice and one bottle of
antioxidant juice....a mixture of carrot, pear and
grape.

Maybe I can stick it out until Saturday, but then
I start thinking that I don't even know what my
plans for the break are and where I am going to be.
Oh, I do have ginger snaps here, but they are a little
more hard than I really want and so now they have
become Jinx treats. He loves 'em. Sit, down, roll....
all I have to do is show him one and say sit and he
does this little routine. Yeah, for ginger snaps.

What is a girl to do?

Yogurt-Cucumber Cilantro Dressing.............it is just heavenly.

I took an exam this evening and all I could think was that I wanted Thai food after and then a nice wonderful sleep. Alas, I did have some chamomile tea while chatting with Amy about a man....a man she likes and I guy I know from the dog park. She works in the coffee shop and also is inlisted in the national guard.....I am impressed with her dedication to it.

I feel like such a girl when those moments hit and we are talking about man and how a person likes him and then there is the dog. I know he works in Oceanography and is research faculty, too crunchy granola for me but she likes him. So, I listen.

Kush comes in..........that man can giggle. He introduces me to two men that are Ethiopian (there is some politically correct term for their country that I don't remember...will look up so I don't sound like a bitch) We talked about how Americans think about food. We can pick any type of food we want to have..........Indian, Thai, Italian and so on and he says they don't think that in Ethiopia that they just think about eating and he said Americans were funny that way but maybe it is because we have more money. I said that I thought it was because America has lots of mirgants and that means there are many types of foods here. We are a country founded on diversity and that allows us to experience foods from all places, because the people are here. Not many people I know say they are leaving the US to move to Ethiopia to live or even open businesses. It doesn't happen like that. I am going to write more on this later because I really am off to bed, besides I think Jinx could use the sleep.

I am almost in the perfect space to study. Okay, sure, I am tired and the idea of crawling into bed is really tempting but I some coffee before and after the exam.

I took a shower because sometimes that helps to make every thing feel relaxed and a nap is not in such high demand then, usually. But I could crawl into bed...............

It might seem like a little much to discuss here but we need to talk about my shower. Sometimes, I get in the shower and nothing really feels right. I don't want to shave, I don't even want to exfoliate, sometimes I have a hard time thinking about actually using more than shampoo. Like I really want to just be wet and wash my hair. Before any hygiene comments are made, just realize that I am not going to be in any real close encounters with anyone. That is a different situation and I am not even going there, sort of not anyway.

But I was thinking , as I let the water from the showerhead run into my mouth, about what other people do in the shower. Sure, I have been in showers with other people but the shower for the sake of being clean is really not the point. So, the shower was an experience this morning. I did wash my hair and I am not telling if I washed anything else :) But I was just letting the water run and thinking about a particular shower that I love. Getting in it feels like stepping out in to a warm mist in the forest or something.....warm water that seems to come from all directions. The smell of said shower is nice too, one bar of soap and the whole place seems to resonate with a great clean smell. My shower on the other hand is different. There are a few more products but my soap doesn't really have a smell and is made with olive oil and some other things that are suppose to be conditioning (I spend so much time in the hot water that most soaps make my skin very dry and itchy and leave a film behind) I don't really feel this way about the soap, I am on a search for perfect soap. My shampoo is very earthy with ylang ylang extract and the condition tickles the skin and scalp with its mint extract. Do we see a pattern here? I love anything with an "earthy, dirty" smell, for me and on my body. But on men, no contest, I love the man smell mixed with a little bit of some deodorant but I Love when they smell like men.....does anyone else have a thing of the old spice deodorant? All I think man needs is soap and a little old spice deodorant, but not too much because I want to fill my nostrils with the essense of man. But for myself I am wondering if my love for these earthy products is very unsexy. I even love to slather with lavender oil (real lavender, the fake smell is just not good, nough said) and there is lavender in my face moisturizer. I love these smells for every day but I do appreciate a few select perfumes. But what I really want to know is whether this is going to make me seem less sexy to men. Oh, and all this really comes back to the shear amount of artificial rasberry and whatever else Bath and Body works is selling that I have to smell when I pass girls on campus.

So here are a few questions for discussion
1. Do you let the water from the shower head fill your mouth while you stand under it?
2. What kind of soap do you use.
3. What smells do you find sexy or unappealing for that matter
4. What smells about the opposite sex do you love, or dislike
5. Do you wash everything, everywhere, everyday?
Any other questions that should be on this list?
6. Is it bad that I like the earthy smells and mens body odor, can anyone relate to this?


Also, to note the music choice of the day is John Hiatt's Crossing Muddy Waters.....I have always loved that cd and nothing seems more like fall to me

Four down, three to go.

Had a nice chat with a prof in zoology this morning before my test.
Really a nice guy. I use to this he was an arrogant ass, but it can change in either direction after you know a person. Mostly we have a national park in common. He was there when it started and I was there most recently. He is a very intelligent man, but I do think that lack of confidence is very unattractive and a person can over compensate in many ways. Arrogance is one of those ways and perhaps they can also under compensate by not putting themselves out there. Fear. I think fear is a natural part of who we are........Does Jung say this is like knowing the shadow self. Is it possible that none the less if it is not part of our psyche it is part of our shadow self and therefore part of us. Damn..........too much thinking and I need to quiet the brain for information absorbtion and retention.

My site and therefore I can make notes to myself.....spare the post it

I just finished the last of the videos for my anthroplogy class.....thank god. Okay, I could have really gotten into this class if it were say "history of blues" that would have been great but no, I had to read about Morocco and my prof's experience living there and that really (no matter how much blathering he did in the book and in the last four pages forced it to seem like it was about music so that he could make us read it for this class, the book did not fit and I don't think his course objective was clear........like the what the hell, we read about Marley and then we end up the blues but in between we discuss living situation in Morocco and then never really discuss Moroccan music....he should have moved to France if he was going to use Morocco as the leaping off point to discuss french rap..........I will give the guy credit for getting paid to do what he likes but I don't think this class was all it could be) pisses me off since I had to buy his shitty writings, bad writer and bad speaker. He might do fine in the bar with a double martini but this was just no good until we talked about the blues. It almost saved the class, it was almost redeemed. He just doesn't know what to say about them and he had a whitel blues player from Oregon doing the program. Give me a break!!!!! Not that the guy was white, hell Tab Benoit is white and so is Sonny Landreth and Kelly Joe Phelps and Eric Clapton and ....come on throw me a bone here. But really, there is history there, if you are going to discuss even for 30 sesconds a national guitar try and learn something about slide and the materials used..........maybe even listen to some music but don't sit like an ass when the other guy is talking and just repeat "interesting" to everything you are %$#@^&** clueless about.

I am going to bed. But I did need to vent about that for a moment.

Oh, and I will admit that I know not even a flick of the tip of the iceberg about blues, but I am damn going to try and learn more than I do.

This is what studying at my house sort of looks like. I like to be as comfortable as possible. I prefer being at home most of the time unless I have cabin fever and need to breathe some new air for a while. This time of the term it is really too distracting to be at the Beanery. Too much going on and way too many people trying to cram for about 6 straight hours and openly admit to being at the bean for that length of time. I personal think maybe hanging out there for that long is maybe not a good idea. Mostly, I think that people that don't have finals and some that do get annoyed that all the tables are taken and people have just camped out. I sort of figure that since we have known these exams were coming all term we shouldn't be spending so much time submerged in books and notes and coffee and whatever else people are taking to stay awake. Sure, there are time when I wish I could a pill or take a drink that makes me go to sleep and sleep a beautiful sleep for like 8 hours and then something to drink that would make be feel bright eyed and bushy tailed for another 10 hours. Doesn't this sort of happen in Alice in Wonderland? Was that story really written about a young girl by an old man? Just wondering.

I suppose I just love waking up in the mornings and I love sleeping, but the trick is to have a smooth rhythm and create a pattern. Oh, you know what I really love is sharing a bed. I guess this is just part of being human. Maybe we really are pack animals. Jinx sleeps in next to my legs mostly with his head away from me. Do you think this means he thinks less of me?
The other afternoon I came home to find the sweater I had been wearing that morning in between the pillows on the bed and the pillows had been moved around to form a little circle with said sweater sitting in the middle. I didn't leave it like that.....so.........

Back to being in bed. I have been reading about Taoist sexual energies and it makes so much sense to me. We need to share of our own energies and that we get and give energy. It is important to be aware of this not only for sex but just as a person. I think this energy thing translates to our lives in general. Sharing of positive energy with other people is a great way of sharing positive energy with every person that person will come in contact with and so on. This is also important to note about negative energies......I think they spread more rapidly and often without our real intention of being negative. So, we should practice positive energy in order to give and take of positive energies in all parts of our life.

I need to end this post so that I can simply concentrate on my work. But I have to remind myself to talk about what happened in the bean the last two mornings. It was good, really good.

I burned my tongue on the chai tonight..........will my coffee offer as much pleasure in the morning?

Studying for finals 

First I would like to thank REI for keeping me warm and dry on the trail, for the most part anyway. Actually, the two REI tops that I wear were excellent. I think I need a pair of winter running tights (adding this to list with a new digital camera). For the most part I was really comfortable. Toward the end of the run/walk/hike adventure I started to get a little cold, maybe the last 15 minutes of almost 2 hours out there. I was dry and warm on top, even unzipping the outer shirt but the running tights. The running tights were good for a while but they are not as water proof. The water stayed mostly on the outside but with the fleece around my hips (I did have a third layer, it was cold getting started and cold finishing, this third layer was very nice to have, but it did get heavy with water in the end). After about 15 minutes I didn't need the fleece so I tied it around my waist. The problem then happens, wherever the fleece is touching the running tights the water moves in, right next to my skin. I guess it is like a wetsuit in a way, my body temp should have been warming the water but it really zaps a lot of energy and my body temp did not warm the water. But it was excellent......the run/hike/walk (I am trying to be easy with myself, it is a pretty go get kind of place and I just can't bust up the hill in full run just yet, not the whole hill anyway, but I try).

Jinx is a blast to have out there. We passed another running, they were coming from the opposite direction. I am not passing anyone yet. Jinx was so good he didn't even jump on the runner. I think the runner mostly startled him. Then I had to think to myself that he could probably hear me talking to my dog as we came up the other side of the hill (I only figure this because I could hear a couple of men talking about their sex lives from the same direction the other day)....it wouldn't have been so bad had I not be repeating lines from Breakfast at Tiffany's, in particular when she is coming upstairs and harassing Mr. Yugioshi (Micky Rooney) by jangling her car keys and saying "Wake up, wake up, the Russians are coming"........alas I admit it. I like that scene but I have no idea why she is taunting about the Russians, I am guessing because of Cold War fears but I am not sure.

On our first minutes out we saw the older man with the cane that we saw the other day. But today he also had an umbrella, it was really very wet. His dog's name is Hobbes. Jinx can be a little energetic when meeting new people and being on his leash, but I would rather not have him jump so at least for know I keep him on the leash around others until we learn together a way to keep him off, always. He asked again how old Jinx is........I kick myself, I really am going to start saying 9 months. Hell, if I can lie about his age by 2 years can I lie about mine by 3? On the 21 that will only make me 24 :) It sounds too young.

I can't say enough about this running and being out........it is the best. It makes me feel good and better than 24 could ever feel. Besides, then I don't have to deal with turning 25 again. Oh, that was rough. But then again so was 26. Does this ever get to the point where I am going to say "Hey, isn't it great I am going to be 30!!!"

Everything feels so right out there. Watching Jinx run fearlessly around the switchbacks and staying on the trail....good dog. Sometimes he wipes out but we all do. He makes it look easy and fun. I suppse children can be like this, a reminder that life is just that, easy and fun.

I love living alone sometimes. We came in the apartment and Jinx waited by the door while I got a towel to dry him. Once dry he got some food and then passed out by the heater. Me, I started stipping all the wet cloths off and turned the stove on (it was getting on lunch time)........naked cooking. We should all try it. So, I started the oven and put the squash soup in the top and a veggie patty that really looks like a breaded chicken breast in the oven. Naked!!! Yep, I was making lunch naked. I bet the microbiology prof would think that his was really not a sanitary practice but I prefer it to any potato salad in a salad bar.

Although, I was fully clothed when I consumed lunched.

Ah, there is more to say about my morning experience at the coffee shop over the last two mornings. But we'll get to that later.

It is late and I should be in bed.
Karen Savoca in the cd player but it is not quite the
right music. I open cd cases, some are missing, long gone
living in another land, others are in the car. But I have been
listening to a very scratched version of John Denver.
But nothing seems right today, not the music, not my clothing,
not my shoes and not even my contacts, even my neck muscles
are sore. This one I want explained. I think I just slept wrong but
because I am studying microbiology I keep checking for a purple
rash.....bacterial menengitus. They have had outbreaks in the past
on the campus but I really think I slept poorly. I need to kick the mutt
out of my bed. He takes up way too much room.

So, back to the fact that nothing seems right. I know these days happen
and I hope tomorrow will be better. At least there is a break coming.
I am not sure what to do over the break. I am thinking I will set a good
daily pattern and get myself ready for another term. Oh, and I will
work on this workout program. The Beaver Freezer is in April.
It is a triathalon, swim 500 yards, Bike 11.4 miles and run 3.1 miles.
I am suppose to start swimming this weekend. I don't really like the
first plunge into the cold water but then imagine getting out of the pool
and running to your bike and riding for 11.4 miles and then hopping off
to run the last 3.1 miles. I must be crazy. I guess I just need to push myself.
I need to feel some value, value for myself and for my body. I have a lot of work
to do. I think by scheduling event like this I will prove to myself that I can
accomplish what I set my mind to, well school is that too.
I am ready to have a job. It is getting to the point where taking undergrad classes
almost seems like a joke. Not because I am kicking ass in the courses but rather
that they are all very similar in a way. I never noticed it before but I am beginning
to get the feel that I just have to shove stuff in my head and nobody cares. I want a
project but things happened and now I just have to wait. I think the project will come.
I am not done with school but all in due time.

My first final was fine. Actually, it was good. I try not to stress about the finals and
for the most part I am doing fine but I suppose one weird thing for me about the break
coming up is that this is the first time in school where I have not been looking forward to
the break. I don't have any plans and I am not really jumping to drive to eastern Oregon.
Times before these breaks were jammed with family gatherings, dive trips and someone to see. But it is just the dog and I. Lots of working toward the Beaver Freezer goal. Kush is going to be gone all break, he is going on holiday in Africa. I think I might have to drag Todd away from his work so that I don't get too bored, unless he finds his dreamdate and then Kush and I will probably never see him again.

As for me I am learning more about myself. Asking myself questions about life and what I want out of it. I know many people that have and have had unhappy relationships and I don't want to be a part of anything like that. Also, I don't want to have my heart broken again. Pretty much this translates to one big wall. With time perhaps the wall will weaken or I will take it down to allow someone in, don't get me wrong, it would be great to have that. I was explaining to someone today that we all want to feel attractive and we do things that we think will get us
that security. But at some point the energy needs to be refueled and that I think only happens when we share our energies. If one person gives and gives in a relationship the receiver feels great but if they don't give the giver eventually runs out of giving and then all hell breaks lose. Also, if a receiver stop receiving it happens as well. I am finding support of this in Taoist teachings. But anyway. I am in a growing, refueling, energy absorbing stage.

What to say. I really need to find some better music in the world. I have worn out much of the
stuff on the computer and Karen Savoca, as much as I love her I woke up to another of her cd's this morning. But I had been listening to Lyle Lovett for three days. Sheesh.

Perhaps I should just enter a few days of silence. Don't monks do this? Is a good for a person or would I go insane. Either because I do like to talk sometimes or because if I were silent how would I get my coffee?

I think I might weigh myself tomorrow. I am afraid I have not been eating enough and maybe the weight loss is going too fast. But the thing is that I don't really feel hungry most of the time. I even got ginger snaps yesterday because I wanted a cookie or rather a really chewy ginger cookie and I ended up with snaps and well, Jinx loves 'em.

The apartment is clean and the chai is hot!!!
What a great Sunday.

Jinx and I have already been out to the forest.
The forest does have a name, it is the MacDonald-Dunn
Experimental Forest, property of OSU.

There are heathens in the forest.
Okay, maybe not, but I was surprised that there
were so many people at 9:30 this morning. But you know
who didn't go to church if they are out there.

Jinx did
get to go off leash for some time but with so many people
around I put him on the leash when we saw anyone. It is
good because we have been working on trail commands.
He is not perfect and neither am I. But we are working on
making our forest experience the best for everyone.

On the way up the trail we saw an older man with a cane walking
2 year old Malamute/Border Collie, pretty much looks like a malamute
with very blue eyes, a little smaller maybe. But the dog was so much less
exciteable than Jinx. I am going to start telling people he is 1 or maybe 9 months.
I can't belive it is taking me so long to make a great dog out of great dog making
material. But his commands are getting stronger. I am not sure what to do. I know
a woman I might should call, she has some great dogs and they have wonderful trail
commands. But she is just amazing. One of those women in life that I admire.
When her name comes up around some men I know they kind of politely avoid the
subject, I am not sure why. But she is a great woman, writer, dog lover, speaker and hiker.
Jinx and I just need help in building a strong relationship. Him sleeping on my bed is
not helping.

Okay, so there was a man with a cane and his dog.
We forged ahead with Jinx on leash and veered to take the Uproute Trail.
It is just that, up.
So, we went up and around the switchbacks. At the top I decided we would make it just a 5 miler. So, we went down the road. The bear road. Through a newly forested area with rements of old growth. There are stags that have been left that make the forest look so small or short. They rise high above all the other trees and what we are seeing is just the base. The forest that is planted around them was done in 1986. The trees look great but they are probably only 25 feet high and the stag is probably 75 or more, and that is just the very bottom of the tree, it is much thicker at its top than these little trees. They stand there as an eerie reminder of what was....a forest long gone. I must find out why just a few have been left, I am not sure that I know exactly why but I might guess that the root masses offer bank stability.....the leftover trees are so far apart I wouldn't assume it was for habitat, the trees have been topped, but nonetheless, like memorials they stand....marking what was.

Down the road, here come the morning cyclists. We passed 5, Jinx did well, I leashed him for all but the last cyclist, that one came on fast and I didn't get to Jinx but he stayed out of the way. I apologized but the cyclists said it was fine.....I always wonder about this because when someones muddy dog jumps on me I usually say it was fine and it normally is unless I am wearing something I don't want muddy and then there is a moment when I am kind of bothered but it doesn't last long.

Down, down, down
Horses. Two horses. A momma and a baby. a dog as well, german shorthair pointer, spotted liver.
Jinx rolls in some very stinky poopy.
Great....someone is getting a bath.

The road flattens out. There is another baby.
Mom and Dad and baby. They were letting the little guy out of his backpack.
Jinx wanted to say hello. He did, the parents were cool and the baby was adorable.
Excited and bundled up so well I am sure he would have a hard time walking, well, he
is small and probably not walking too far.

On home.
For the first time ever, Jinx actually got in the bath tub himself.
Sure, I just walked him in there without taking the leash off and then started the water, shut the door, pointed at the tub and said "in"....I didn't even have to pick him up. He jumped in. Not excitedly, reluctenly rather.
We did an underwashing and then washed the crap off his neck. I also had to wash his collar and leash.
He is drying by the heater.

I had planned to write this a different way. Perhaps I will come back to edit.
I listened to John Denver this morning.
Now, it is Guy Clarke.
more on this later.
I have to study.

We are back from the forest. Jinx is sleeping and I am motivating myself for information absorption and retention.
a sleeping dog and a tired girl

I have recently let a few people know about my blogging.
Hmmm, it makes me wonder if I can't maintain as my personal journal or if I will find myself sensoring my writings even more?

I suppose it will encourage me to spell check or a least proof read before sending.

I just needed to write something else so that that last post was not at the top of the page. I needed to write all that stuff but I don't need it as a reminder. What I need now is to snuggle up on the couch and knit with the dog warming my toes....but alas there is no couch RANDY!!! On Friday, there should be a couch/futon/sofa arriving with Randy. He wants to bring his dog but I am not sure that is a good idea. The other day they were vacuuming with a high powered vac with a hosing stretching from a van into the apt next door and it set Jinx to howling. The office called me on my cellphone to get him to be quiet.....I hope nothing comes of this because it kind of pisses me off that they can make all this noise and leaf blows can blow at 8am but if there is a warning because of something my dog did in response to their noise then I hardly think that is fair. I know, I am bitching and it is not like me. really, or at least I hope it is not like me.
But I don't want it to be an issue. I just want to get school over with here and then on to what is next but what I really want is to go live in an isolated area.........I don't really want that but at moments it feels like that is what I would love. I guess I want peace and quiet and maybe an apartment in the city where I don't drive anywhere and I can take public transportation, also there must be a place for the dog and I to run near by. I don't think I ask for a lot in life. I'll think about all the factors that matter and write about it later.
I am making myself tired with all this thinking.
Sometimes I remember New Orleans and that places are open late. I have to get going if I am going to get a tea and knit for a little while before bed, because the bean closes at 10pm.

I'm trying to get a photo posted in my profile. I have read all the information provided by Hello and I can't figure it out. It is very upsetting. Why??? Why did it take me so long to figure out making my page pink?Well, that one is because the pink was just not available when I first started this out. Damn. ****thumping my head here******

Life is a complicated matter.
It shouldn't be, at least that is what I believe.
Everyday should be beautiful and wonderful.
Peace.
Do we make the peace?
Or do we make the complications?

Depression has moved in, I don't really want it here but it has nestled itself right in.
I slept too much today. 8 hours over night or there about, and then another hour or so this afternoon. I am sleepy now, but not the kind of sleepy where I could fall asleep and stay there. But too tired to go to the gym, maybe I will go to the sauna at my apartment building. It is a very small sauna and I don't want to share....also, I want to lay in it naked. Ah, this means I should go to campus to lay there naked. Naked is good. Sleep is good. So, in the matter of the depression I am wondering if the onset might be related to my decrease in calories or the decrease in calories is related to the depression and all are to blame on the running.

I can't really blame the running. I am the one with the problem. This has been a problem for years for me. Preoccupation with my physical characteristics. I was thin in high school, but I started to round out my freshman year of college, doesn't everyone? But after the first term I hit it hard with a girl in my dorm and we spent way too much time at the gym. But there was such a response from the people I cared about. Most just said that I looked great. But the truth was that I was changing as a person. Confidence goes much further than the perfect shape or the smallest hips. I was thin and I was excited about the response to the physical change but inside I was scared. I was dating someone who I thought the world of and I wanted to be perfect in his eyes. Thin was beautiful, running was smart, my physical looks and age were an ego boost for him. This gets into some weird stuff. So, I much rather not go there and it being my blog, I have that say.
But after he passed away I closeted the running shoes I speak of.....out of sight, much like a lot of other things in my life. I blamed the running for not being the person I can be, for controlling my life, for being the thing that people valued about me, or at least that is what I thought. Small. I thought being small was all I ever wanted, unnoticed in a way. To disappear. Maybe if I vanished there would be a care. But now I feel different about that, I don't want to vanish. I want to wear pink, black, I want to paint my toes, to wear lipstick and to feel beautiful, not over doing it because the beauty does not come from the eyeshadow or the lipstick or the pink, but somewhere much closer to the body. Beauty is a state of mind. In yoga, we smile to ourselves. Feel the smile from the hips, to the toes and back to the face. No expression, the smile is hidden, not something to show everyone, but everyone has the ability to feel it. We express the physical smile on our lips but I really think the body must know what it feels like to smile deep inside to make the physical representation of the smile meaningful. I let the smiles grace my face as much as I can in a day, I like to feel the smile in my eyes and the span of my hips. Perhaps the body can be tricked, first with the smile on the lips and from there it graces the body, like a kiss.

In all of this chatter, I do want to work through the running. I want to run. I love to be alone in the mountains, to squint through the fog, to watch my dog on the trail (he loves it with all his four paws.....he is now changing his name it to Silent Fourpaws, he is more quiet than me), to feel so free, to take note of how wonderful nature is and how she really does know what she is doing....lichen and mud, two of my favorites, there are so many very beautiful things out there. There are moments when I feel like I was meant to do this forever, everything is just so right. Unlike the other aspects of my life, for the most part I feel a little in control of the running, sure, the dog does have some say, like when he brings my socks from the dirty laundry to me a the computer or lays on top of the shoes or just whines and whines, until I almost understand what serious frustration is about. I should eat more. Because I don't want to feel anyother way than wonderful with the running. But I do need to find out how much I should be eating and can still lose weight. I won't give a number just yet, or maybe ever, but I would like to shed at least 10 pounds of fat and add some muscle. I figure over the break I can rid myself of the 10 pounds, maybe, and this next term work on the muscle. Because I will have to start a weight program. Yawn, only because it means seeing a bunch of 20 year old boys in the gym. yawn. Too much competition for the machines. I dreamed of pilates last night.

Blah, blah, good thing this is my blog. But I am feeling like I have been way too revealing and way too wordy. Stick a fork in me, I am done.

x 

Sonny Landreth is playing tonight!!!!
I'm very excited.

So, currently I am being a internet junkie and listening to Sonny make magic.
Well, he does some pretty amazing things with his hands on that guitar.
Besides I am sucker for any man that seems to be able to express himself,
keep in mind that expression is expression none the less. I guess I don't discriminate and
sometimes end up in situations where the expression is not so positive.

Enough about that.....it makes me tired to think about it. I need some more coffee and
perhaps some more food. I had coffee this morning before my two run/hike thing (more on that later) and then some tuna and pasta after the run. So, either I am having a caffeine and sugar crash or I just simply need more calories. I am trying to be aware of these little things as I push my body to run and morph itself into something I remember from days gone by. I like the morphing. I love my running tights and my stinky polypro shirt (use to wear it under my drysuit and now it is beloved running wear...most running wear out here in Oregon is interchangable with drysuit gear....all of it to keep one warm in the freezing cold....I need to get myself a pair of mittens, in all the moving I can't seem to find mittens and I must have a few pair somewhere?) also I wear a little blue stocking cap (Betty Rides.....I got it years ago to wear skiing after I cut all my hair off, I felt like such a boy in all other hats but this has little sparklies and it is blue).......the cloths don't really matter that much, well a little. They mean more than they matter. I feel good in them (and out for that matter) and they remind me of what I have accomplished on trailing, in water, in yoga (the pants I use to wear in pilates) and the running shoes were closeted after my half marathon running ended after the death of a close friend....put the shoes away and hardly ever looked back. Over the years I got many more pairs of shoes in hopes that I would find the desire to run again but nothing ever seemed right. I even started this new running thing out with my Nike Shox shoes, sure they are cool but rocks get lodge in the open spaces, so, I dug the shoes out. The same very shoes......Nike Triax Max (do they make these anymore?) they stopped making them years ago and then went back to it because they were popular. I think I only put 100 or so miles on them before the very last 13.1 miles race I ran. But now, I think I have logged just a mere 40 or so miles in the last few weeks. Oh, well. We are working up to somethig.....Jinx loves the runs too. I am sure he is happy about these shoes over the others as that I am actually going out and the shoes feel so good I feel like I could run forever because my feet are so cozy but my calves get tired and well other things....I am building my stamina.

The run/hike today was great. It was in the fog and at about 37 degrees. I needed mittens but I tucked my hands inside the sleeves. We took the road to the Uproute Trail and over the top of the mountain where the fog was thick and there were no people to be heard. It was just the way I would want every morning to be. A little chilly, calm, foggy and so peaceful and full of promise. We passed the Extendo trail to take the 600 road higher up the mountain. Up, Up we went. Then I started to wonder how long it would take us to get back? Hmmm, we turned around. The road had lots of curves and coming down it Jinx stayed at my heels.....like I am going to protect him and from what? He stayed in that second position until the road opened up again and then he left me behind for whatever was out there.

Then there is a fork in the road....I don't know that forks are always welcomed when the run has seemed long already. But none the less it was marked with a welcome sign into the Forest....so therefore we only had one way to go. But I stopped to read the sign "WARNING, BLACK BEAR SIGHTINGS" oh! perhaps I should be a little more cautious? I read the sign and now not only do I have to watch for bears but also cougars. Damn. With Jinx the pansy ass by my side I am not really welcoming to the idea of any bear or cougar encounter.

The run was great. It is over now but like all the others, there are now memories, my photo album is the collection of mudd on the soles of my shoes.

"in the sticky heat i feel you open up to me"
oh, yeah, "it feels like rain"
I am hopping in the shower and turning the music up as I think about driving across Ponchartrain during a summer rain shower................

Important to note that this cheesy ass photo was taken this morning when I woke up. I have a small love affair with my camera (not really MY camera but it belonged to the ex and I am making great use.....but a better quality camera would be nice. I might ask for one as a birthday present but I can't really tell my dad that I like taking photos, most naked and mailing them off to unsuspecting people)
Ah, a good morning.

"the wondering fever has got a hold of me"....Sonny Landreth


Life is a long round about circle.
I am really glad that I started running again.
I want to run far and fast and into deep woods
where there are no people. Just me and the
dog and the beautiful creations of nature and mud!!!
Got to love the mud. I love the mud. It is humbling.

Yesterday on our run we took the sane route, the one
that makes the run not so painstaking, in other words
it is a pretty good balance between up and down.
I should have stayed to the road, the rain made the trail
very slippery. Like running down hill on a ice skating rink,
while jumping over logs and roots. I think perhaps a person
could die from a fall up there.

We were moving along and then jinx stopped.
Voices, he heard them first. Well, his ears are bigger than mine.
I wasn't sure how many but they were moving fast, faster
than we were anyway. I pulled Jinx to the side of the trail
and leashed him. I try to be respectful, well, mostly I don't
want someone pissed off because Jinx got them muddy from
his big greeting jump. Yeah, we'll work on that later.
I could hear them, it was getting more clear as they got closer.
It was two men and the part of the conversation I caught was
shocking. Two men, one about 45 and the other maybe 60 ish
they were talking about sex and love. My ears were red. Thank god
for the stocking cap I was wearing.
It was just so real and real is wonderful.
They were smart and passed us up to take the road.
I am going out again today but I don't know if i want to take the road.
There is something about the trail. But I wonder if I not being responsible
and perhaps I am causing damage from my feet over the muddy. I
don't worry about the dog, he is spreading his impact out over 4 legs and 4 paws.

I really wonder much I should be running?
It has been a long time since I have had so much physical activity.
I love it but I worry that it might become the one thing that I fixate on
and will in turn take up way too much time and energy.
I will admit to it being refreshing and helping to keep me centered.
Besides the outside exposure is good for keeping the depression at bay
or at least not letting it control my life. The light helps to make everything not so
dark. Besides, I am also trying to sort all the crazies out of my life and that makes
life much better as well.

I think that some people are just toxic, like an allergy. We are not all meant to get along with every single person but some personalities just clash (they are toxic) they are not good for us and can make us ill (depressed, too involved in too many problems, sure there is probably a different list for everyone). Life needs a little spring cleaning, if it is not good throw it out.
I like clean laundry, clean counters, clean floors and a clean and clear life. To hold my head up knowing that what I am doing is the only thing I could imagine myself doing. We'll get to the career bit of this another time. As for now. It is all mostly good.

Two hours in the forest today. It was beautiful, everything about it. Jinx had a wonderful time. Watching him run up the trail and then waiting for me or even running back to see if I was still coming....damn, he runs fast. He can't stop so fast and nearly eats a lot of dirt in the process. I think am going to have to start taking pictures out there. The fog was so thick and the air so cold. It is just a feeling that nothing can capture, you have to experience these things in life for yourself. For me, I will always cherish those moments when the world feels so big and I feel so small in the thick of the forest, like I might be the only person to have stopped at that particular root mass. Not likely, being that it is on the side of the trail, but there is a mystical presence. The old growth, perhaps it carries the mystery. It has been there long before any living person and will hopefully carry on long past all current generations.

I hope I will always make time for things like this, moments when I feel like I am floating on clouds over the muddy trail. When I can watch my dog be a dog. Well, he is kind of like my baby. I just love seeing him have so much fun and maybe he feels lucky to be there too.

Life is a constant attempt to get it right.
I move through and feel like I am repeating
choices, like I must have gotten it wrong before
and now I have a chance to get it right.
Beth Orton can be credited as saying "regrets
are lesson we haven't learned yet"
I try not to have any regrets. Sure, there are
those times when I wish I might have done
things a little differently but for the most part
I think I am doing okay. There are times when I
wish I didn't think so much but the alternative being
that I didn't think nearly enough. No thank you. I
would rather stay this way. I think too much and
sometimes talk to much.

I can't help but believe that there is a greater purpose
something bigger than anything anyone could ever
imagine that is part of all of us. It is always there and
all we have to do is our best. Pratice the best love we
we know, practice the best giving, the best receiving,
to practice the patience and hold in our hearts the best
intention toward people, animals, earth and life. To respect
ourselves and those around us. To be united under soomething
great, like one big spirit, a puzzle that fits together almost
seemlessly.


Hmmm, anyway.
As I was saying, I think we are set to repeat until we
get it right. So we have to stop the crazy cycles or at least the
cycles that we see and believe to be out of control, those things that
we think too much about and would rather not think about at all.
Those things, those are the things that we need to end. Fix them somehow,
this is the part where I get lost. I am not sure how to fix them or if there
is just one right way. Sure there are ways to fix everything but it is the way that
is going to work best in that situation? Sure, I could fix most of the issues
by forcing all people out of my life and leading one in solitude, which
I feel like I do most of the time. I have rather shallow connections with people
and therefore don't really spend time with them and no issues are able to develope or
I could be willing to ask for what I need and give what is asked for and learn from
each situation as it happens.

Learning.....I love it in the book sense, but my heart is a much more
vunerable participant.

a time that seems like a lifetime ago 

Perhaps the problem is that I want what does not want me?
I work hard at trying to "tame a wild thing", damn I love that movie, anyone know where this comes from?
It is Breakfast at Tiffany's. "Doc, the trouble with you is that you were always trying to tame wild things, well you can't, you can't tame a wild thing"...urhm, at least that is close I think.
It feels like I am trying to tame a wild thing. But the thing is that I think I have given up. I feel silly for sending the first email anyway and now I wish I could take it back although at the time I sent it I was certain it must have been a good idea even though it made me feel sick. I think my heart broke at that point and now I wish I just knew what was going on.
I will hold my words back for the time being. I need to allow for space....but what I want is security and open space. I don't think it is wrong to ask for those things. But I am learning everyday and I am learning along the way. I am not famous and I don't desire that but I wonder if he would be able to have a relationship with someone who was not "someone" to everyone.

Sunday

The afternoon is here. I love mornings more than any other time of day. I like walking up to the chill and the breaking of light. I live in Corvallis Oregon and it never really gets shining bright during the winter but there is light versus the night which is very dark. Morning brings such promise and pleasure. By night fall one comes to realize not as much was accomplished as one desired. There is still some promise and hope in the early afternoon. I have a lot of work to do but I would rather sit around writing and drinking coffee. Wouldn't we all? Actually it wouldn't be so bad if all my course work was due in written formate rather than just craming words into my head. But those words will pay off someday, I hope.

Jinx and I took another long walk today and I have an itch to go for a run in the woods. A friend of mine during my coffee stop drew me a map of a place he thinks I might like. I have been running in that particular forest before but I don't know all the trails. Maybe come December I will know them better. Some of the running trails close after the rains start to fall because it destroys the paths. I might try and do the Beaver Freezer this spring, this means I have a lot of progress to make. I need to do more in the physical sense. If only there were 10 more hours to the average day.

I am listening to Robert Earl Keen this morning and thumbing around for just the perfect mix for a Sunday afternoon. I'll be at the computer a while and I have 9 hours of Environmental Law to read. I am tired just thinking about it.